Perfectionism’s Sinister Side

By Loren Ecker, LCSW

A client of mine recently told me that he has many ideas, but they never seem to materialize.

He cant even start because he gets lost in the details. He becomes too overwhelmed by logistics, possibilities, eventualities. Problems that have yet to even develop stymie his progress. Before even making the first move he has already conjured up in his mind all of the reasons that his idea wont, can’t, shouldn’t work out. Something may go wrong. Something along the way may foil his plan. His enthusiasm quickly dwindles and dissipates. He becomes deflated, depleted, and defeated…before he even starts!

One time he told me about this great idea he had for a play. But before he could even put pen to paper he was thinking to himself “What if I am unable to sell my play? What will happen if I write my play and it is a flop? What if the reviews are terrible? How will I secure financing? What if I do get financing, but it turns out not to be the best deal?” The reviews?! First write the play, then you can worry about the reviews!

There were so many “what ifs?” What if this? What if that? His anxiety over ensuring it’s success, making sure that everything goes smoothly, and that the play is a smash hit completely took the wind out of his sails before he even set out to sea! His need to be perfect prevented him from even testing the waters.

Perfectionism, as Rabbi Doctor Ben Tzion Sorotzkin, Ph.D. calls it in his article “Quest for Perfection: Avoiding Guilt or Avoiding Shame?” (Perfectionism | Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin, Psy. D..) is the tendency of those who were criticized in their youth to fear making mistakes. The result is overcompensation which can take many forms, from over-zealous religious observance to depression & anxiety. From over working to fear of starting. From extreme rigidity to promiscuity. It’s common result is low self-esteem, relationship problems, and often addiction.

The problem with striving to be perfect is that it is impossible. Inevitably, things go wrong. Mistakes will be made. The healthy person can endure the murky, the opaque, the unknown. He or she can have an idea and trod ahead with the knowledge that problems will occur, adjustments made, hurdles overcome.

The person stunted in his or her development by perfectionism cannot tolerate not knowing exactly how everything is going to work out. Instead, he or she will feel overwhelmed, stymied, and stuck.

There is a well known saying, “it takes a lifetime of work to become an overnight success.” Implicit in this statement is that success is imbued with failure. As Thomas Edison is known to have said, “Genius is 95% perspiration and 5% inspiration.” In other words, generating an idea is the easy part. Getting your hands dirty with the work is another story altogether. It takes hard work, commitment, and grit to get to the finish line. Success involves facing your fear of making mistakes and dealing with eventualities.

Some face challenge easier than others. The blessed person is the one with an ability to move headlong and purposefully against uncertainty meeting adversity with courage. In their attempts to accomplish, they may succeed or fail, but try they do.

Others among us may require a greater dose of support, reassurance, encouragement, and validation. Some may benefit from a greater understanding of who they are and why the react they way they do. If you feel that you have trouble getting things off the ground or seeing things through to the end, you may benefit from the services of a licensed mental health professional who will help you to uncover the roots of your stagnation and support you as you learn to face your fears and move along into the unknown with courage.

Loren Ecker is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with offices in Queens, NY and The Five Towns. He has trained at The Ackerman Institute for the Family, Twerski Counseling Institute, and with Joe Nicolosi of the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic in Los Angelos, CA. He helps motivated individuals, couples, and families to better cope with their struggles and to learn how to feel better about themselves. He can be reached at (917)587-8853 or emailed at lorenecker@lorenecker.com.

The Best Deal of All

Who doesn’t like the television show “Shark Tank?!” Its got everything you would want from your TV viewing experience. Drama, humor, intelligence, it’s educational, and it will also make you think. In it, hopeful entrepreneurs go to ask “The Sharks” to invest with them in exchange for a percentage of the equity in their company. Often the business owner leaves the tank empty-handed, but frequently the entrepreneurs score a deal.

After explaining how they took their online retail clothing company from zero dollars to 6 million dollars in 6 years time, John and Jane Doe Entrepreneur left the tank with a sweetheart deal! Not only did they get what they were asking for, $600,000 for a 5% stake in their company, but The Sharks liked the company so much that two sharks went in on the deal together, and doubled the offer to $1.2 million for a 10% stake! Talk about validation! Clearly, these people were doing something right and they were rewarded handsomely for their achievements.

It is the very fortunate soul who is able to realize his potential within his lifetime. This is not to say that one’s potential in the world is realized solely through his or her business acumen or achievements in industry. Those things matter but are only a slice of what makes up the whole of a man. That being said, to achieve professional success is nonetheless quite a shot in the arm!

It was gratifying to watch that couple, with the approbation and cash infusion from The Sharks, see their dreams for their company begin to take shape. It punctuates the belief that hard work truly pays off and it leaves viewers feeling hopeful and optimistic.

Many among us, however, lack this ability to feel hopeful and optimistic, even in the face of such a clear example of possibility. For one reason or another, life weighs heavily upon them and all things seem bleak and without meaning. They struggle to believe that things can get better and that they might one day feel good about themselves and about the world in general.

Be it as a result of abuse, criticism, dysfunctional family dynamics, loss, trauma, failure, betrayal, addiction, or whatever the case may be, many people see the glass as half empty rather than half full, and for good reason. Life can certainly test a person and push him or her to the brink. Even the strongest and most resilient among us are able to fall in the face of life’s many ordeals.

For those struggling with depression, anxiety, compulsive behavior, low self esteem, family conflict, addiction, or whatever the case may be the struggle to overcome life’s challenges is compounded. In this case a therapist can provide support, encouragement and help restore one’s sense of equilibrium. A therapist can help initiate the healing process and give a person the strength needed to face life head on. A therapist can also teach skills for healthy living and provide a person with the tools he or she needs to be successful.

The more a person allows a therapist into his or her world the more the therapist can help to decipher reality from fiction. The goal of therapy is to heal the soul and the psyche. To provide a person with a newfound sense of hope and optimism. To restore one’s feelings of worth and to help one to find meaning where it may have been lost.

A therapist may or may not be able to get you a deal in The Shark Tank, however, he can certainly help restore your sense of hope and optimism! Now, that’s the best deal of all!