Same Sex Attraction (SSA)-Beyond the Rhetoric

This article written by Dr. Ben Tzion Sorotzkin taken from his website is a “must read” as well as a helpful tool for those who are tasked with the challenge of helping individuals who want to diminish their same gender attraction and to increase their heterosexual potential. It is at once a well structured and clear defense of one’s ability and prerogative to change, as well as a rebuttal to the liberal gay political agenda that would insist that being gay is unmutable, unchangeable, biologically determined, and for those who would disagree with this, are by default, homophobic.

Dr. Sorotzkin also presents cases in which his clients have been helped and from which we can glean some more indepth clinical insights.

Enjoy!

A Great Resource for Building Your Dream Practice

I recently read a terrific book entitled “How We Built Our Dream Practice; Innovative Ideas for Building Yours” by Dave Verhaagen Ph.D. and Frank Gaskill Ph.D. Dave and Frank are the founders of Southeast Psych, a fascinating group practice in Charlotte, North Carolina. The book is filled with terrific ideas and suggestions that pertain to getting one’s dream therapy practice off the ground. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has an interest in either starting their own private practice or for someone who already has a private practice and is interested in learning techniques to make it more of a labor of love, rather than a merely a labor.

Dave and Frank have produced a really easy to read book that covers topics such as creating a culture in your practice, developing a niche and connecting with your community, as well as marketing, the importance of presenting, and how to innovate. I enjoyed this book so much that I have registered for an upcoming webinar happening this evening, Wednesday March 30th at 7pm. You can find the link to register for the webinar here and you can find the link to learn more about their book here.

The Southeast Psych website is also really interactive and filled with some really cool and interesting content.

You might start to think that I am in the bag for these guys the way I am promoting them, but I am not. I just really appreciate what they are doing and would love to be able to share and discuss practice building with my fellow clinicians.

One of the values they promote in the book is relational marketing, which basically means that there is value in building relationships when it comes to marketing your practice. More than anything else, the relationships you develop will best enable you to grow in private practice both as a clinician as well as in developing your dream practice.

So take a look at these guys and what they are doing at Southeast Psych and please let me know what you think.

Perfectionism’s Sinister Side

By Loren Ecker, LCSW

A client of mine recently told me that he has many ideas, but they never seem to materialize.

He cant even start because he gets lost in the details. He becomes too overwhelmed by logistics, possibilities, eventualities. Problems that have yet to even develop stymie his progress. Before even making the first move he has already conjured up in his mind all of the reasons that his idea wont, can’t, shouldn’t work out. Something may go wrong. Something along the way may foil his plan. His enthusiasm quickly dwindles and dissipates. He becomes deflated, depleted, and defeated…before he even starts!

One time he told me about this great idea he had for a play. But before he could even put pen to paper he was thinking to himself “What if I am unable to sell my play? What will happen if I write my play and it is a flop? What if the reviews are terrible? How will I secure financing? What if I do get financing, but it turns out not to be the best deal?” The reviews?! First write the play, then you can worry about the reviews!

There were so many “what ifs?” What if this? What if that? His anxiety over ensuring it’s success, making sure that everything goes smoothly, and that the play is a smash hit completely took the wind out of his sails before he even set out to sea! His need to be perfect prevented him from even testing the waters.

Perfectionism, as Rabbi Doctor Ben Tzion Sorotzkin, Ph.D. calls it in his article “Quest for Perfection: Avoiding Guilt or Avoiding Shame?” (Perfectionism | Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin, Psy. D..) is the tendency of those who were criticized in their youth to fear making mistakes. The result is overcompensation which can take many forms, from over-zealous religious observance to depression & anxiety. From over working to fear of starting. From extreme rigidity to promiscuity. It’s common result is low self-esteem, relationship problems, and often addiction.

The problem with striving to be perfect is that it is impossible. Inevitably, things go wrong. Mistakes will be made. The healthy person can endure the murky, the opaque, the unknown. He or she can have an idea and trod ahead with the knowledge that problems will occur, adjustments made, hurdles overcome.

The person stunted in his or her development by perfectionism cannot tolerate not knowing exactly how everything is going to work out. Instead, he or she will feel overwhelmed, stymied, and stuck.

There is a well known saying, “it takes a lifetime of work to become an overnight success.” Implicit in this statement is that success is imbued with failure. As Thomas Edison is known to have said, “Genius is 95% perspiration and 5% inspiration.” In other words, generating an idea is the easy part. Getting your hands dirty with the work is another story altogether. It takes hard work, commitment, and grit to get to the finish line. Success involves facing your fear of making mistakes and dealing with eventualities.

Some face challenge easier than others. The blessed person is the one with an ability to move headlong and purposefully against uncertainty meeting adversity with courage. In their attempts to accomplish, they may succeed or fail, but try they do.

Others among us may require a greater dose of support, reassurance, encouragement, and validation. Some may benefit from a greater understanding of who they are and why the react they way they do. If you feel that you have trouble getting things off the ground or seeing things through to the end, you may benefit from the services of a licensed mental health professional who will help you to uncover the roots of your stagnation and support you as you learn to face your fears and move along into the unknown with courage.

Loren Ecker is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with offices in Queens, NY and The Five Towns. He has trained at The Ackerman Institute for the Family, Twerski Counseling Institute, and with Joe Nicolosi of the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic in Los Angelos, CA. He helps motivated individuals, couples, and families to better cope with their struggles and to learn how to feel better about themselves. He can be reached at (917)587-8853 or emailed at lorenecker@lorenecker.com.

Overcoming Shame and it’s Poisonous Effects

A client recently told me that he had to stop spending time with his family because they make him feel too bad about himself. In other words, they cause him to feel shame. I was proud of him for recognizing the source of his shame and for doing something about it and told him as such.

Often, the things we want from our families; support, understanding, appreciation, recognition, among other things don’t come easily, and often, they don’t come at all. More than this, for some, what does come is just the opposite, criticism, agenda driven manipulation, and negativity. The result? Shame!

How many of us can relate to the experience of sharing something of value with another person only to be let down by their reaction? Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., in his master work on the subject of shame entitled “Shame and Attachment Loss” states that all “shame moments,” as he calls them, are preceded directly by an expression of authenticity, vitality, enthusiasm, creativity, expressivity, and joy. He calls this state “Assertion of Self” which is categorized as the effective expression of authentic needs, wants, and desires; the expression of one’s true self; and being emotionally open.

Shame is produced when a person who is in his or her assertive self (emotionally open, authentic, expressive, etc…) is met with some sort of disappointment. “I expected you to understand,” “He didn’t take me seriously,” “She took her side instead of taking mine,” “He wasn’t as enthusiastic as I had hoped he’d be.”

Shame, as it has been said, is toxic. Where guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something bad, shame is the feeling of being bad. Shame isolates. Shame depresses, Shame causes us to worry. It makes us think negatively about ourselves; that we are no good, not capable or worthy of success, goodness, happiness, wholeness. We feel unlovable when we feel shame and unable to love. It disconnects us from others rather than enabling us to form healthy connections. It isolates us from others rather than allowing us to feel a part of things. And it diminishes our optimism rather than elevating the spirit.

Children naturally tend toward their assertive self, however, they are often knocked into shame by some important figure in their lives such as a parent, or an older sibling. Children who experience this on a repeated basis develop what Nicolosi calls the “Anticipatory Stance” whereby the child lives in constant fear of feeling shame as a result of other’s reactions to him. This child will go on to arrange his life in order that he should minimize his chances of falling victim to the power that other people hold sway over him. This typically involves disassociation, which is a person’s attempt to disassociate himself from his own feelings and often leads to depression and isolation, among other things.

A child who constantly anticipates feeling shame will likely develop a tendency towards negative self talk, depression, pessimism, anxiety, and a host of other afflictions including addictions and even same gender attractions. Children who are accustomed to feeling overwhelming shame have trouble in relationships later on in life. They will likely tend to avoid expressing their emotions, anticipating that their partners will make them feel ashamed for having them. Shame is often the root of many vocational issues.

As a therapist, it is my job to act as a remedy to the destructive and dysfunctional relationships the client has heretofore endured by allowing the client to openly express his or her emotion in a safe, nurturing environment. The client’s experience of expressing emotion to an emotionally attuned other who not only does not make them feel shame, but in fact encourages them, and supports them in their effort to express themselves, is life changing. The repeated experience of feeling understood and appreciated cannot go without result. The client, over time, learns to value his or her relationship with the therapist using it as a prototype for all subsequent intimate relationships.

If you or someone you know can relate to the experience of feeling shame and now struggle to overcome negative self talk, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, vocational issues, addictions, or same gender attraction, among other issues, then a therapist can be a helpful means to allow you to move forward in an attempt to heal from past emotional injuries.

Loren Ecker is a clinical social worker in private practice with an office in Flushing, NY (Kew Gardens Hills). He can be reached at 917-587-8853 or at lorenecker@yahoo.com for a free phone consultation or to schedule an appointment. His website is lorenecker.com.