A client recently told me that he had to stop spending time with his family because they make him feel too bad about himself. In other words, they cause him to feel shame. I was proud of him for recognizing the source of his shame and for doing something about it and told him as such.
Often, the things we want from our families; support, understanding, appreciation, recognition, among other things don’t come easily, and often, they don’t come at all. More than this, for some, what does come is just the opposite, criticism, agenda driven manipulation, and negativity. The result? Shame!
How many of us can relate to the experience of sharing something of value with another person only to be let down by their reaction? Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., in his master work on the subject of shame entitled “Shame and Attachment Loss” states that all “shame moments,” as he calls them, are preceded directly by an expression of authenticity, vitality, enthusiasm, creativity, expressivity, and joy. He calls this state “Assertion of Self” which is categorized as the effective expression of authentic needs, wants, and desires; the expression of one’s true self; and being emotionally open.
Shame is produced when a person who is in his or her assertive self (emotionally open, authentic, expressive, etc…) is met with some sort of disappointment. “I expected you to understand,” “He didn’t take me seriously,” “She took her side instead of taking mine,” “He wasn’t as enthusiastic as I had hoped he’d be.”
Shame, as it has been said, is toxic. Where guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something bad, shame is the feeling of being bad. Shame isolates. Shame depresses, Shame causes us to worry. It makes us think negatively about ourselves; that we are no good, not capable or worthy of success, goodness, happiness, wholeness. We feel unlovable when we feel shame and unable to love. It disconnects us from others rather than enabling us to form healthy connections. It isolates us from others rather than allowing us to feel a part of things. And it diminishes our optimism rather than elevating the spirit.
Children naturally tend toward their assertive self, however, they are often knocked into shame by some important figure in their lives such as a parent, or an older sibling. Children who experience this on a repeated basis develop what Nicolosi calls the “Anticipatory Stance” whereby the child lives in constant fear of feeling shame as a result of other’s reactions to him. This child will go on to arrange his life in order that he should minimize his chances of falling victim to the power that other people hold sway over him. This typically involves disassociation, which is a person’s attempt to disassociate himself from his own feelings and often leads to depression and isolation, among other things.
A child who constantly anticipates feeling shame will likely develop a tendency towards negative self talk, depression, pessimism, anxiety, and a host of other afflictions including addictions and even same gender attractions. Children who are accustomed to feeling overwhelming shame have trouble in relationships later on in life. They will likely tend to avoid expressing their emotions, anticipating that their partners will make them feel ashamed for having them. Shame is often the root of many vocational issues.
As a therapist, it is my job to act as a remedy to the destructive and dysfunctional relationships the client has heretofore endured by allowing the client to openly express his or her emotion in a safe, nurturing environment. The client’s experience of expressing emotion to an emotionally attuned other who not only does not make them feel shame, but in fact encourages them, and supports them in their effort to express themselves, is life changing. The repeated experience of feeling understood and appreciated cannot go without result. The client, over time, learns to value his or her relationship with the therapist using it as a prototype for all subsequent intimate relationships.
If you or someone you know can relate to the experience of feeling shame and now struggle to overcome negative self talk, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, vocational issues, addictions, or same gender attraction, among other issues, then a therapist can be a helpful means to allow you to move forward in an attempt to heal from past emotional injuries.
Loren Ecker is a clinical social worker in private practice with an office in Flushing, NY (Kew Gardens Hills). He can be reached at 917-587-8853 or at lorenecker@yahoo.com for a free phone consultation or to schedule an appointment. His website is lorenecker.com.